What Happened Today?

Looking back over the past several days, I’ve realized that I haven’t been quite as emotionally susceptible or raw lately. I’m not sure why that is.

Maybe taking care of myself has become more habitual. I’m also glad to note that I don’t think about HSP quite as much as I had been. I really didn’t think that day would come.

Today, however, I’m feeling that familiar, icky susceptibility again. I feel like I could burst out crying at any moment. I feel particularly low-spirited.

This morning, I was really wrestling with something that I wasn’t sure whether God wanted me to do. Then, when I got to Bible study, someone was sharing a very sad, but encouraging, testimony.

After those, I came home to find out that a friend had been in the hospital recently. She will be okay, but it was still upsetting.

So, here I am. Time to go to work. Feeling on edge. Still confused about God in this particular decision, which, trust me, is very minor.

I pray that the Lord will strengthen me and heal me enough to make it through my shift at work without falling apart emotionally.

I Haven’t Been Trusting the Lord

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

26 Look at the birds of the [p]air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? 27 And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? Matthew 6:26-27

I have been a Christian for 12 1/2 years.  I’ve known and understood the gospel message for most of my life, but it’s only been since about 2002 that I would consider myself to have been born again.  These past 12 1/2 years have seen me go through many ups and many downs.  

Growth, setback, doubting…trust…

Trust.

I thought I had been trusting the Lord.  I thought I had been leaning not on my own understanding and allowing him to make my paths straight.   I also thought I had been considering the birds in the air and the lilies in the field.  I thought I was seeking first God’s kingdom, and allowing other things to be added unto me.

I was wrong.

In some ways, I have trusted God. I’ve trusted God with my finances.  I’ve trusted Him with job situations.  I’ve trusted Him with difficult friendships.

But there has been one major area in which I’d been holding out.

Marriage.

I desire very much to be married.  I am nearing an age that some think it is too late for marriage.  Maybe not so much in these times, but certainly 30 or more years ago, I’d probably be considered an old maid by now.

I do not believe that I have put my life on hold while waiting for a man to rescue me.  Well-meaning people often warn against this.  It’s not the case for me.  I do have friends.  I go out when I have time.  I volunteer and am active in church.  My life is very full and quite blessed – in spite of any difficulties.

Still, the fact that I am still unmarried, while people half my age are getting married left and right, then having children (not always in that order), is a source of disappointment for me.  When will I meet the man I will marry?  Will it be before I am no longer able to have children of my own? The questions go on and on, as does the pain.

Obviously, this is something I think about quite a bit.  And therein lies my problem.  There is where the lack of trust comes in.

Do I trust the Lord to know and be concerned about the desires of my heart? Yes.

Do I know that he wants what is the very best for my sanctification and growth?  Of course.

Do I believe that He will give me a fulfilling life, whether single or married?  Definitely.

But…

Do I believe that the omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, holy Lord of all creation will remember that I desire to be married, if I don’t worry about it constantly and remind Him about it every 30 minutes or so?

Well, no.

I haven’t been believing that.  So, I’ve been reminding him fairly regularly.  Lest the One who is the Alpha and Omega, who knows precisely how many hairs are on top of my head (and how many are white vs. how many are brown)…lest He forget that I’m still hoping for an earthly husband…I must remind him.  Often.  If I fail to do this, he might think I changed my mind and will completely alter his plans for my future.

When put like that, it seems pretty ridiculous, huh?  Yeah.  It does.

I am actually ashamed at what a low view I must have of my God, to think that he needs me to leave him Post-It Notes all over the place.  I repent in sackcloth and ashes.  Maybe not, but with a broken and contrite heart, I ask forgiveness for grossly underestimating God’s sovereignty, wisdom, and trustworthiness.

Attempting to act as God’s self-appointed, personal assistant is actually pretty tiring and burdensome.  What a relief to realize He doesn’t actually need me to act in that capacity!

So, hopefully, from here on out, I’ll trust and “allow” God to do His work.  I’ll stop trying to micromanage Him.  If, in fact, He does intend for me to be married in the future, I trust that he will continue orchestrating my life and the man’s life, in order for that to take place.

I will relinquish the personal assistant position and set about the work that He has called me to do:  To love Him with all of my heart, mind, soul and strength and to love my neighbor as myself.

31 Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ 32 For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But [s]seek first [t]His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.34 “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.  Matthew 6:31-34

36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37 And He said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the great and[a]foremost commandment. 39 The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’  Matthew 22:36-40

HSP Problem #237: Small Talk

I’m currently thankful to have the WordPress app on my phone, so I can sneak in an entry while waiting for my butter biscuit at Chick-Fil-A. This is a post I’ve been wanting to write for over a week, but just now am getting time.

Recently, I got involved in a discussion in the comment section of a fellow-HSP’s blog. She mentioned that she went to an HSP event, and people started talking and sharing at the outset. Then, they moved on to the “small talk” of their conversations. She talked about the HSP tendency to over share in conversation. Small talk is uncomfortable. Let’s cut to the meat of the conversation.

At that point, the caged tiger that is the HSP’s mind is unleashed. Once that door is opened, the mental tiger goes on a rampage. And it is very, I repeat: VERY, difficult to coax it back into the cage.

Truthfully, the tiger realizes at some point that the public can only handle a certain amount of exposure to this wild animal. It wants to return to the cage, but it’s got too much pent-up energy.

For clarification, this is a kind-hearted tiger, who doesn’t want to actually maim anyone. This is a playful tiger, who wants to be friends, but goes about it in all the wrong ways. This scares the public off.

Translation: non-HSPs can be easily put off by this tendency to over-share. Don’t believe me? Ask anyone who has ever talked to me about…anything.

I’ve been told that this makes it seem as if I don’t want to hear about the other person’s life. Unfortunately, this is far from true!!! (Or maybe, that’s fortunate?) Actually, that exactly what I want: for people to also open up and share.

There’s a vicious cycle that occurs here. HSP starts sharing. HSP over-shares. Non-HSP feels put off and decides not that HSP is not interested in non-HSP’s life. Non-HSP declines to share. HSP fills the sharing void with more information. Non-HSP feels more put off…and on and on it goes.

It makes me so sad to say that this tendency of mine, and other HSPs, I’d imagine – which I’m only recently grasping – has led to the weakening and/or demise of many a friendship.

(“Go, go Gadget: Tears!” Yes, I’m still in Chick-Fil-A.)

Now that I see the sharing thing in this light, I realize that, no, I can’t stand small talk. I go completely awkward, until the point where the conversation might turn to some actual heart-informational exchange.

Usually, that heart-informational exchange isn’t going to happen in a passing conversation. So, I try to avoid the whole mess. Many times have I ducked past someone whom I only know very casually while out grocery shopping, or whatever. I guess it’s in order to escape the dread of the pint-sized, kiddie pool-depth
conversation that would inevitably occur.

In cases where avoidance is impossible, I do end up looking and feeling like an idiot.  I guess the problem is that I don’t want to say all of the small talk things, so I just don’t know what to say.  And I feel like I should have something profound to say.  It seems that the other person is expecting that.

I’m starting to realize that, in all likelihood, they aren’t waiting for me to ask them about their deepest-felt emotions.  Nor are they waiting for me to share mine.  But because that’s the kind of talk I want to have, I’m supposing that everyone else is wanting the same.  At a loss for words, my face betrays me.  My facial expression becomes one of bewilderment and discomfort.

I do have in mind a couple of ways to combat this issue.  I will share those with you soon!

Friends, can any of you relate to what I’m talking about here?  I hope this isn’t just me!

Forced to Write

I’m being forced to write this post.

By myself.

I think about writing every day. There are several topics I’d like to discuss; several ideas going around in my mind all the time.

But I don’t write.

Why not?

(Brace yourselves for a lame excuse.)

I’m tired. I’m so tired.

I work 5 hours per day; six on Fridays. How could I possibly be tired?

The vast majority of my time is spent locked away in a file room, where there is very little traffic. Except me. I’ve mentioned before that I could complete all of the requirements of my job for a week and not have to see or speak to another person.

When I do “sneak” out to get some human interaction, I feel lazy and guilty, because 9 times out of 10, it’s not work-related. Okay, maybe 7 times of out 10.

For this extrovert with ADD, sitting all alone and messing with files is really a mental drain. So, by the time I get home, I only have energy to zone out on Facebook or Pinterest. More lameness.

I’d actually had big plans to write this evening after work; but earlier in the day, I noticed that a job I’m looking at has been posted online. Plan changed. Gotta complete the application.

After working on the application, I sat for a while, thinking that I did not have the mental energy to write tonight. Yes, I was also visiting the above mentioned websites.

Just now, I was getting ready for bed. Then, the thought came:

Why don’t you just write? Just push through this so-called mental drain and just write something!

So, here I am. I’ve written. I’ve written about writing. I’ve written about not writing. But I’ve written.

I never realized how much I truly enjoy writing until I started this blog. And this is certainly not the first blog I’ve ever had. Perhaps it’s because the topic gives my scattered-all-around brain something to focus on. A central topic. This is usually a huge challenge, and my posts would end up like this:

Today, I woke up. Then, I ate some food. Then, I went to some places and did some things. And then, someone said something to me about something. I felt some way about it. Now, I’m at home again.

Not terribly compelling to read. Nor is it really something to look forward to writing.

I did it. I pushed through the “tired.”** And I’m so glad that I did. Now I know that I can do this. My brain doesn’t have to shut down as soon as I get home! And even if it feels shut down, I still need to eke something out.

My mind actually feels so much more clear now.

How do you motivate yourself when you want to – but don’t want to – write? Or do anything else?

**I probably should read this post when I don’t feel like working out, too. Let’s see how that works out…