I Haven’t Been Trusting the Lord

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

26 Look at the birds of the [p]air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? 27 And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? Matthew 6:26-27

I have been a Christian for 12 1/2 years.  I’ve known and understood the gospel message for most of my life, but it’s only been since about 2002 that I would consider myself to have been born again.  These past 12 1/2 years have seen me go through many ups and many downs.  

Growth, setback, doubting…trust…

Trust.

I thought I had been trusting the Lord.  I thought I had been leaning not on my own understanding and allowing him to make my paths straight.   I also thought I had been considering the birds in the air and the lilies in the field.  I thought I was seeking first God’s kingdom, and allowing other things to be added unto me.

I was wrong.

In some ways, I have trusted God. I’ve trusted God with my finances.  I’ve trusted Him with job situations.  I’ve trusted Him with difficult friendships.

But there has been one major area in which I’d been holding out.

Marriage.

I desire very much to be married.  I am nearing an age that some think it is too late for marriage.  Maybe not so much in these times, but certainly 30 or more years ago, I’d probably be considered an old maid by now.

I do not believe that I have put my life on hold while waiting for a man to rescue me.  Well-meaning people often warn against this.  It’s not the case for me.  I do have friends.  I go out when I have time.  I volunteer and am active in church.  My life is very full and quite blessed – in spite of any difficulties.

Still, the fact that I am still unmarried, while people half my age are getting married left and right, then having children (not always in that order), is a source of disappointment for me.  When will I meet the man I will marry?  Will it be before I am no longer able to have children of my own? The questions go on and on, as does the pain.

Obviously, this is something I think about quite a bit.  And therein lies my problem.  There is where the lack of trust comes in.

Do I trust the Lord to know and be concerned about the desires of my heart? Yes.

Do I know that he wants what is the very best for my sanctification and growth?  Of course.

Do I believe that He will give me a fulfilling life, whether single or married?  Definitely.

But…

Do I believe that the omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, holy Lord of all creation will remember that I desire to be married, if I don’t worry about it constantly and remind Him about it every 30 minutes or so?

Well, no.

I haven’t been believing that.  So, I’ve been reminding him fairly regularly.  Lest the One who is the Alpha and Omega, who knows precisely how many hairs are on top of my head (and how many are white vs. how many are brown)…lest He forget that I’m still hoping for an earthly husband…I must remind him.  Often.  If I fail to do this, he might think I changed my mind and will completely alter his plans for my future.

When put like that, it seems pretty ridiculous, huh?  Yeah.  It does.

I am actually ashamed at what a low view I must have of my God, to think that he needs me to leave him Post-It Notes all over the place.  I repent in sackcloth and ashes.  Maybe not, but with a broken and contrite heart, I ask forgiveness for grossly underestimating God’s sovereignty, wisdom, and trustworthiness.

Attempting to act as God’s self-appointed, personal assistant is actually pretty tiring and burdensome.  What a relief to realize He doesn’t actually need me to act in that capacity!

So, hopefully, from here on out, I’ll trust and “allow” God to do His work.  I’ll stop trying to micromanage Him.  If, in fact, He does intend for me to be married in the future, I trust that he will continue orchestrating my life and the man’s life, in order for that to take place.

I will relinquish the personal assistant position and set about the work that He has called me to do:  To love Him with all of my heart, mind, soul and strength and to love my neighbor as myself.

31 Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ 32 For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But [s]seek first [t]His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.34 “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.  Matthew 6:31-34

36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37 And He said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the great and[a]foremost commandment. 39 The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’  Matthew 22:36-40

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2 thoughts on “I Haven’t Been Trusting the Lord

  1. Pingback: Blog Swap ~ I Haven’t Been Trusting the Lord | Michelle Lesley

  2. Pingback: Returning to Trusting the Lord 101…. | Highly Sensitive Christian

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