Today, I started out feeling fairly good. Then, that changed. I just started feeling down and wanted to cry. There was a reason, but I won’t get into it, because it truly wasn’t a reason to want to cry.
With about 40 minutes left before time to leave for work, I started to cook something for lunch. I’m horrible at just throwing ingredients together and coming out with a delicious meal. So, I knew that whatever I concocted today would stand a pretty good chance of missing the mark.
I tried to throw together a curry, using tomato paste – from a tube – and a spice mix someone shared with me. At no point did my bootleg curry ever taste like any kind of curry, no matter how stuff I threw into it. Oh, and my rice turned out a bit mushy.
With almost no time left, I packed up my lunch and prepared for the disappointment of eating it later. This made me want to cry even more.
At that point I did two things:
1. I just begged God to help me trust Him more.
2. I texted a particularly encouraging Christian sister and asked her to pray for me.
Sure, these are two things that I do with some regularity, but today was different somehow. When I cried out to God today, it came from a place of really knowing that He heard me and knowing that He would be my comfort. I would like to think that’s where I always cry out from, but after today, I could tell it hasn’t been.
The friend whom I’d asked to pray for me is a person who, after a double surgery, is praising God and praying for another community member in the ICU. She is an amazing encouragement to me for many reasons. Facing another possible surgery, she says, “I know my Jesus has a plan for my life.” She always says “my Jesus,” and I do believe that she treasures her relationship with Him.
This prompted me to think about the depth of my relationship with the Lord. How much do I trust Him? How much do I want Him more than anything else?
When I got to work, I saw that I’d received a reply to an email I’d written earlier. The person mentioned the word “idol” as it related to my view of marriage, not once, but three times. This was slightly frustrating, because I’ve never really heard an understandable, practical definition of what it means to idolize something. I’ve only heard, “an idol is something you want more than God.” Oh, really? Well, how am I supposed to know whether I want marriage more than God?
This is something I may discuss further at a later time.
Anyway, this idol thing caused me to just do a Google search for “How does one know if marriage is an idol?” I did find more frustrating definitions, but I also saw some good ones.
As I was working, I just realized that my heart was wide open and full of worship for the Lord. It’s been like that more often lately. And it hasn’t been like,
“Okay, now…feel worshipful. On three. Go!”
Believe me, there are those times.
I wondered why my heart has been feeling so much more open and excited about the Lord.
This may seem silly, but I’m sure this is why:
I haven’t been on Facebook in almost a week. Well, I’ve been on there twice, but for a very short time each time. I’m not doing it as a spiritual exercise; or at least didn’t start out with that in mind. It’s just that I’ve got a lot to figure out in my life right now. When I get on Facebook, I get sucked in fairly easily. Then, my mind gets over-stimulated from all of the information, and I feel like I don’t have the brain power for anything else that I want and need to accomplish. So, I thought that logging out of Facebook and Instagram for a week or so would help me refocus my mental energy.
Even the night that I made this decision, I felt more calm somehow. My brain didn’t feel like it was going 1,000 miles per minute. Usually, when I decide not to use Facebook for a day, I still feel like I just really, really want to check it. I haven’t been feeling like that these past few days.
Not being on Facebook has not fixed my life. But it sure has added a level of peace that I didn’t at all expect! In that peace, I’ve been able to sense and appreciate God’s presence and His love in new ways.
For me, this gives new meaning to:
Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10
And behold, the Lord was passing by! And a great and strong wind was rending the mountains and breaking in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of a gentle blowing. 1 Kings 11-12
God does call us to still ourselves at times. I am the worst one of them all, when it comes to this. But what joy and love have I found by finally making a decision to do so!