An HSP’s Nightmare

Well…mine, anyway. 

Just now, I was putting facial cleanser on my face, to wash and get ready for bed. As I was bent down to the sink, I noticed a few strands of hair in the top of the drain. 

So…without rinsing my face, I went straight to the task of cleaning some strands of hair out of the drain. Along with the hair came little pieces of unidentified, grey gunk. 

For that horrifying five minutes, I was trembling and gagging (a little bit.) I still have some heebie-jeebies. 

Once, long ago, I lived in a dorm suite, and our shower drain got clogged. I had to get a huge, horrible clump of my and my roommates’ hair out of there.  

Can. Not. Handle. This. 

As this post is published, I still have facial cleanser on my face. 

Did I mention that I also have ADD? 

I Bounce Back Like a Ton of Bricks

The Lord has helped me become more even-tempered lately, with these verses coming to mind quite often:

[a]What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? [b]Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask [c]with wrong motives, so that you may spend it [d]on your pleasures.  James 4:1-3

Keeping that truth in mind helps me not get to the point where others’ words or actions bother me to the point of that I plunge into the quicksand of my emotions.

That’s how it’s been going lately.

That is not at all how it went today.

When I woke up, I looked at my email on my phone.  (I should have had prayer time before checking my phone, but that’s not what happened.)   The first email I saw was an unnecessarily condescending work email.  An innocent bystander would not view the words in the email as condescending. The innocent bystander is also not aware of the subtext.

After reading the email, my heart immediately started beating quickly.  I was mad.  For the rest of the morning, I did not stop thinking about that email.  Instead, I chose to stew on it and nurture my anger at the person who sent it.

At work, the same person had a conversation with me – about a different topic – that was much more condescending than the email from this morning.  The tone of voice was actually on the pleasant side, but again, subtext ruled.  There was nothing I could do, except meekly acknowledge that I was in the wrong.  (I wasn’t, but it’s often best to just go with it.)

Just writing about today’s happenings brought on a much-needed cry.  It was more of a half-cry, because I got distracted.

This evening, the bulk of my mental space was used on crying out to the Lord that I hate this person.  Again, probably not the best thing to do; but I figure it’s better than saying it to the person or talking behind their back.  The rest of my mental space was used on crying out to the Lord to help me not to hate the person.

19 For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. Romans 7:19

24 Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from [r]the body of this death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! Romans 7:24-25 

This is what makes being an HSP so frustrating to me. There is absolutely no reason why I should still be upset about the email or the conversation.  These incidents are just par for the course, and are not a true reflection on me as a worker or as a human being, in general.  Yet, they still cut so deeply when they do happen. It is a longstanding battle for me not to sin in my anger or self-pity at the toxicity of this situation.

PS: I have changed the settings, so that work emails don’t come through on my phone anymore.

Sunday School on Saturday

And now, another break from my normal posts in which I give an overly detailed explanation of every feeling I have ever had.

The other day, I realized that I wasn’t trusting the Lord’s hand in the Sunday/Saturday School class that I was going to start.  Instead, I “decided” that the thing to do was to wrack my brain trying to come up with exactly the right words to say, in hopes of ensuring that none of these little ones would be led astray.  Ever.  For the rest of their lives.  As a result of my perfect teaching.

I’m pleased to report that I was convicted of this faulty thinking before the time actually came to teach the class.

So…the class:

I had four boys, aged four to eight years old.  The four year old was kind of all over the place and not really paying attention.  The other three were great, for the most part.  As I’d mentioned before, they all been in Sunday School before, so they have a decent grasp of the Bible.  And they seem to have figured out that, when all else fails, the correct answer is probably “Jesus.”

The beginning was a little shaky, but then, I started with a children’s catechism that I’d found.  We started with the first two questions and worked on memorizing corresponding Bible verses.  That took quite a while, but they seemed to enjoy it.  By the time we got around to starting the actual lesson, it was time to wrap it up.

A low-light and a highlight from the day:

Low-light – At one point, one boy said, “You know, I’d prefer to go out and sit with my mom.  I just said that I wanted you to teach us, so that you wouldn’t be sad.”  Ouch.  At the end, each of them prayed.  One of his prayers was that God would help him like Sunday School.

Highlight – The study that I was going to teach was called “Moses’ Dream vs. God’s Dream,” from the website, Ministry to Children.  The first step was to ask the children what their dreams were.  The first two boys, who grew up in Christian homes, mentioned owning a horse and being a soldier.  We got sidetracked, and the other boy said, “You didn’t ask me what my dream is.  I want to tell my dream.”  So, I gave him a chance.

He said, “When I grow up, I dream to read the Bible and know the Bible.”  Mind you, this child grew up with non-Christian parents.  His mother starting attending church about year ago, and got baptized recently.  Needless to say, my heart melted.  I hope this boy wasn’t saying that just to make me happy, cause it seemed so sweet and sincere.  Again, that’s something I will have to leave in the Lord’s hands.

Returning to Trusting the Lord 101….

I’ve done it again!  The last time, I wasn’t trusting that the Lord would remember that I desire to be married and have a family if I don’t remind him every few minutes.  This time, it’s a bit different, but the result is still the same.

About six weeks ago, a friend, whose church is very small, asked me to teach Bible lessons to the children when the adults are having their home group. I thought about it for a couple of weeks.  I would like to say that I prayed and received an answer, but that’s not exactly what happened.  I may have mentioned before that I’m not a great pray-er and wait-for-answer-er.  In any case, I finally answered that I would teach the children.

The first time I’m supposed to teach them is tomorrow.  So, I’ve been pondering and pondering about what/how I can teach them, to make absolutely sure that they don’t stray from their faith when they are older.  I don’t want them to feel disillusioned with the faith of their childhood later in life.  Therefore, I’ve been trying to think of exactly what I need to say, in order to make absolutely sure that these children genuinely accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior, and don’t just follow along, because they are young.

RED FLAG of DISTRUST!

Do I have control over these kids’ salvation!?  No, I don’t.

Will God’s plans be thwarted, if I don’t say the perfect words?  Let’s go with “no” again.

I’ve heard several people talk about how we must hold our children (biological or heart children) with an open hand, in front of the Lord.  We have to trust that His will be done.  There are no guarantees that they won’t stray.  That they won’t all go to prison.  That they won’t stop going to church as soon as they start college – or earlier.  The Lord knows all of these things already.

I do know that I have a responsibility to teach them with care and make sure that they are hearing sound doctrine.  However, what they do with it is out of my hands.  Fortunately, these kids’ families are pretty strong Christians.  Plus, the children have regularly attended Sunday School at another church for quite a while.  So, I’m not starting with a blank slate.

Please pray for me and the children.  I think I have found the lesson that I would like to teach.  I just did that in the fifteen minutes between writing the previous two sentences.

This is all in God’s hand.  May I be humble and obedient while teaching His truth to these sweet, little ones.