Yesterday was a highly emotionally charged day. I like to say that I had what I call an “HSP flare-up” yesterday. It began the night before, with someone telling me what a group of people whom I serve in ministry thought of me. I admit, I did solicit this information. The answer was what I had expected, but not at all what I actually wanted to hear. *steps onto the spiral slide*
Yesterday morning, I woke up feeling miserable; questioning my whole reason for being. I resolved that I wanted nothing more to do with this people group. Ever. *sits down on the spiral slide* This would be a tall order, considering that I have been involved with this group for seven years. They are my community. Cultural differences and misunderstandings abound. But they are my community, and I love them. And I can’t stand them at times.
I spent the morning questioning the Lord:
Why did you put me with them?
Or did I really put myself with them, and you didn’t want me with them in the first place?
Have I wasted my time with them? Learning their language?
If I’m not working with them, what purpose will I have in my life?
Is there anyone is this community whom I can still trust?
Where will I find community?
Who? What? Why? When? Where? How!?!!!
Suffice it to say…this is not an exhaustive list of questions and thoughts racing through my mind.
*pushes off and begins descent down the spiral slide*
There was a catch to all of this: A woman from this particular people group had invited me over for my favorite meal from their country. I’d have to put my resolve on pause long enough for me to enjoy the delicious lunch. (Don’t judge me!)
When I got to my friend’s home, a woman whom I (most likely unfairly) suspected of being one of my “most-(un)wanted” list was also there. She spoke to me in their language, and I informed her that I would only be speaking English on that day. I never have English-only days, even if I’m alone all day! In any case, seeing her started priming the pump on my tear ducts and got my heart all twisted up in knots. Fortunately, she left after just a few minutes.
Really, friends, if you saw this woman, you would never-ever-ever believe that she was on the list. I don’t even believe it myself.
The meal itself was straight out of an HSP food nightmare for me. You see, there are two ways of making this soup. The kind I like is the clear broth. This one had a generous amount of rice flour, which added a creamy, slippery feel to the noodles in the soup. In textural anguish, I ate half of the bowl. The hostess was very understanding, a fact of which I am very grateful.
She could see that I was not okay, so while making all efforts not to bawl in front of her, I explained what had triggered my emotional state. I didn’t go into the spiraling details, though. She was understanding and attempted to offer some insight. Earlier, I’d received some other helpful insight, but I was still upset.
At this point, the “most (un)wanted” lady returned. Since I had least allowed a few tear droplets to escape, I managed to act somewhat normally with her for the rest of my quick visit. She actually needed me to help with something; and I was able to suggest to her next steps to take in solving the issue. *pause mid-spiral*
Feeling a little better, but not completely cathartically satisfied (yes, I just made that up) and definitely gastronomically dissatisfied, I rushed off to work; with no time remaining to grab something a bit palatable on the way. In the parking lot, I hastily dashed out yesterday’s post on my phone app. Then, I read some of the blogs I follow. One of the blogs had a particularly touching post, which I could not even read all the way through for fear of, ummm, catharting (made that up, too) too much right before work. *resume sliding*
On the way into the building, I got stopped in my tracks by an intriguing – but dead – group of flower blossoms. This resulted in an impromptu pre-work photo session. *pause again*
During work, I usually listen to Christian songs in the (un)wanted language. Yesterday was not an exception, and I continued to listen on my drive back home. As I approached my neighborhood, I started singing one of the songs that I’ve sung in church before. The next song is a song about looking back on the mistakes one has made, in the interest of building friendships. Then, it implores God to lead back onto the straight path. This song perfectly fit the situation that had me so upset. I envisioned myself singing the song and giving a testimony in church – sort of a confession and an apology. *sliding mode: on*
Singing this song with all of my heart, I pulled into my driveway. And the dam was broken. The tears flowed. All of the pain that had been imprisoned in my heart all day finally made its escape. *destination end of spiral: reached*
Following this much-needed catharsis, I somewhat expected to retreat into a state of self-pity on the sofa. I did. And I finally also did what I had needed to do from the very beginning of this awful day: I took some time with the Lord. I read from the Bible study I’m doing now. Ironically, we’re going through the book of Job right now.
In a complete contrast to yesterday, I felt a renewed sense of joy and purpose today – even with regards to that community. Yesterday’s despair hardly seems reasonable, or even real, anymore. How does this happen? How could I spend a night and an entire day in complete mental torment, and then have it dissolve the next day?
To be clear: I much prefer this renewed state. I prefer to be at the top of the slide, but not even planning to go step onto it.
How can I stay here? And if I happen to start down, how can I prevent myself from reaching the bottom?
That remains to be seen. I want to learn how to, at least, shorten these rides. While I’m in the midst of them, I can’t even conceive of there being any other way to look at the world. Afterward, I have no idea how I possible allowed myself to sink so low – even if only for one day.
The Lord is with me.
The Lord knows that I am an HSP.
The Lord is unchanging, even though I am ever-changing.
The Lord is faithful, and He always does the following:
3He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
4Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.